Foil Hat Ninja

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.”—Aleister Crowley, The Book of the Law

 

I didn’t write this, although I wish I had. I’m posting it because it’s one of the best, if not the best, piece of occult oriented humor ever written, though in all fairness, it doesn’t have much competition in that area. It is, of course, a parody of Aleister Crowley’s The Book of the Law (Liber al vel Legis). It’s probably funnier if you’ve read the real thing, but I think it’s great in any case. I was tempted to update some of the more dated references – specifically, I really wanted to change Vanna White to Kim Kardashian – but you just can’t edit the classics, which is why Don Quixote is now about 25% footnotes to explain what Cervantes was talking about.

For you Thelemites with no sense of humor, I reiterate: I didn’t write this, so keep your malevolent spells to yourselves. No one seems to be absolutely sure who did write it, but the best source that I could find informs us that it was originally published in a periodical put out by the Baphomet Lodge of the OTO in Southern California in the late 1980s. So if this pisses you off, please keep in mind that you’re basically pissed off at one of your own.

 

Liber Call Me AL

vel vel, now.

subfigura skating

 

“The Book of the In-Laws”

Chapter I

1. Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.
2. Company of heaven exposed; film at eleven.
3. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a Star. Big Deal.
4. Every number is infinite; fire thy accountant.
5. I’d like a volunteer from the audience at this point – you, the Warrior Lord of Thebes in the front row.
6. I’ve Hadit up to here.
7. Attention K-Mart Shoppers! It is revealed to!Who vast? the minister of Har-Po-Marx.
8. The Khabs is in the Khu, right next to the peanut butter.
9. Worship thou the Khabs, and the Khu will take care of itself.
10. Let my servants be few and secret; they shall have enough problems without publicity.
11. These are fools that men adore; for example, Vanna White comes to mind.
12. Come forth with a fifth and take thy fill of Old Overcoat; thou shalt see stars!
13. I am above you and in you. I am behind you and beside you. I am hiding behind the curtains. I know when you are sleeping, I see when you’re awake. I know if you feel joy or woe so feel joy for goodness sake.
14. There once was a Goddess, Nuit,
    Who dated a God named Hadit.
    When Ankh-af-na-khonsu
    Saw what they were up to
    He shouted “Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!”
15. You may have already won the priesthood of infinite space, a Winnebago, all power for your wife, or one of 663 other valuable prizes in this Aeon’s Prophecy Clearing House Giveaway!
16. For he is sunburned, and she is a lunatic. He plays with matches, and she wanders around in the dark.
17. But for you, no such luck.
18. Look out! There’s a snake on your head!
19. Oh, bend over, and I shall drive thee home!
20. Say the secret word and the Dove shall drop down.
21. If the God and the Adorer call, say unto them that I am out of the office; they shall not see me. For I and my Lord Hadit shall be in a meeting verily until the end of time. My Prophet shall call their Prophet.
22. Now, therefore, I have an unlisted phone number, which shall be revealed to my Prophet when at last he ceaseth making obscene calls. I am Infinite Space, and billions and billions of stars, yet modesty remains my best character trait. Let no difference be made between any one thing and any other thing; in this way wilt thou simplify thine Inventory Control.
23. But whoso maketh sense of all this, let him explain it to me as soon as possible.
24. I am a Nut, and my number is up.
25. Divide, add, multiply, and extract square roots. There will be a quiz at the end of the Aeon.
26. Then saith the Prophet and the Loss: Where the Hell am I, what am I on, and where can I get more? Then she answered him, her neon-hued body dangling a wide variety of love beads and leather thongs, saying: Like, wow! Everything is everywhere and real, like, for sure! Totally!
27. Then the Priest answered her, kissing her lovely brow, running his hand lightly along her thigh, nibbling on her earlobes, and unbuttoning her blouse: “Uh. . . Right. What was the question again? Mmmph.”
28. Two breathed the light, faint and faery, of the stars, then asphyxiated.
29. For I am divided by zero for the chance of confusion.
30. This is the curriculum of Math; that the pain of long division is nothing, and the agony of Calculus, all.
31. Screw you all! I got mine, Jack.
32. Obey my Prophet! Send $20 in cash to me! Make eleven copies of this Book, placing thy Name therein, and disperse them to others as thou wilt. Break not the Chain, and the prosperity shall be without bounds. Would I lie to you?
33. Then the priest passed out, muttering: Heard any good ordeals, rituals, or laws lately?
34. But she said: The ordeals are none of thy business; the rituals shall be half known and half published by Francis King; the Law I’ll give to anyone willing to haul it away.
35. Surprise! THIS is the Book of the In-Laws! I’ll bet you never guessed, huh? You probably thought this was some ordinary, run-of-the-mill prophetic work dictated by a praeternatural Intelligence.
36. My secretary In-a-Gadda-da-Vida shall not edit this Book, howsoever badly it may be needed. He may comment thereupon by the wisdom of Pa-Ra-Keet. Thus shall plausible deniability be established.
37. Also the Mazdas and the Celicas, the Oh-Yeahs and the Cowabungas, the Fafnil and the Zermatroz, the work of the Wand, the Pantacle, the Dagger, but not the Cup; these shall ye teach at weekend seminars.
38. He must teach; but he may make wild the parties.
39. The word of the In-Laws is PASADENA.
40. Who calls us PASADENITES will do no wrong, if he but drives through the city. For there are therein Three Grades: the Little Old Lady, the Techie, and the Man of Suburbia. Possession shall be nine tenths of the Law.
41. The Formula of Sin is Opposite over Hypotenuse. Oh Man, believe not thy wife when she says she has a headache! There must be fifty-six ways to leave thy lover! There is no bond that can unite the divided but Krazy Glue; accept no substitutes. Darn them! Darn them anyway! Ah, heck.
42. Practice bondage in groups; thou hast the right to remain silent.
43. Do that, and await to speak unto thy lawyer.
44. For the word “unassuaged” is in every way mispronounced.
45. After all, nobody’s Perfect.
46. The Key of this Law is really nothing special. 61 the Jews call it, or 58 wholesale for family. I call it eight, twelve, three point one four — whatever I want to. I am a God, after all.
47. They have the half, and it is the good half, too. Pull yourself together, and tell them to get lost!
48. My Prophet looks out for number One, One, One.
49. We regret that all ordeals, words, and signs have been canceled due to the unstable theological conditions in the East. Let Asar be with Isa, as long as they cause no trouble. I don’t care; it’s not my problem.
50. Here’s a tip on how to run this scam. There are three cons you can use. The gross shall be burned, the fine shall be soaked, and the lofty chosen ones worked over. Thus ye shall have plans and schemes, and nobody shall know what hit them!
51. There are two doors to one townhouse; the floor of that townhouse has not been vacuumed for months; dirty clothes and stacks of old newspapers are there, and the odor of cat food. Let him enter in turn the two doors, having given 24 hours advance notice to the tenants as required by Law. Will he not sink? Damn. Aargh! If thy handyman sink, the dry rot is worse than I thought. But there are ways and means. Be goodly therefore, or betterly if possible: go to parties; eat cream puff sundaes, and drink generic champagne and beers that foam; play strip poker using a Tarot deck! But be sure to invite Me.
52. If the layout be botched; if thou neglectest thine proofreading, saying: Who gives a damn; or saying, Let’s order pizza, then shall Pa-Ra-Keet smite thee, and thy pepperoni shall breed pestilence.
53. Believe me, this will make my sister feel much better. But remember, even though you think you’re such hot stuff, it shall not help thee in Court. Have fun while you still can, Me Too! Me Too!
54. Thou shalt be graded on content, spelling and grammer.
55. Thy work shall serve as Papyri Ani.
56. Expect it not from the East or West, but watch out for the South. Argh! All reasonable offers are accepted, and all answers correct, save only that some are stupider than others; solve the first half of the equation, get partial credit. But thou art still wholly in the dark.
57. Go outside, for God’s sake! Love in the raw, love under water! But be careful; there are love and love. There is the dove, and there is the can of whipped cream, a great deal of rope, and a cooperative sheep. Choose ye well! He, my toady, has chosen, knowing the House Rules, which are admittedly confusing. The gallery proofs of my Book look okay, but ~ is not the Star; I think it’s a squashed bug. Leave it in; it will keep people guessing.
58. I give unusual; punctuation while, in life, upon death: full stops. Not commas, nor do I demand proofreading.
59. My incense is of Chanel No. 5 and tapioca; and there are no preservatives therein, because the Washington Monument is exactly 555 feet tall.
60. I can count to 11, more than most of those who are with us. The White Five Pointed Star, with a “T” in the middle, and the “T” is red. My color is black and white in the basic configuration, but red, green and blue are seen by those who buy the graphics display adapter. Also I have a high resolution option for those who pay through the nose.
61. But to love me is to know me; if, under the night stars in the desert, thou presently freezeth thy ass off before me, invoking me out of pure desperation, thou shalt come a little to lie in a poorly insulated sleeping bag. For one bonfire wilt thou then be willing to give all; but whoso ignites one juniper twig shall be arrested by Park Rangers within the hour. Ye shall gather junk food and suntan oil; ye shall wear dark glasses, ye shall wish ye were at the beach. I charge you earnestly to come before me carrying a ridiculously heavy backpack. Pale or puce, Libertarian or libertine, I who am without good taste desire you. Put on the wings, and you’ll look just like a chicken!
62. Every time I see you I shall whine “Me Too! Me Too!”, reminding thee strongly of thy little sister, and thy heart shall burn with annoyance.
63. Sing the rapturous love song unto me, or at least hum a few bars of “Aleister’s Restaurant”:
    You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister’s Restaurant;
    You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister’s Restaurant;
    Just drop on by, we’re in Cefalu,
    Later on today we’ll have a mass for Nu;
    You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister’s Restaurant;
64. I am an airhead who uses too much makeup in the evening.
65. Me Too! Me Too!
66. The Manipulation of a Nut is at an end. Tune in tomorrow for more excitement — same BAPH time, same BAPH channeling

Chapter II

1. New and improved! The filet of Haddock.
2. Oh come, all ye faithful, and Jim shall spill all the secrets which have not been revealed already. I, Christopher Robin, am the complement of Pooh, my bear. He is hungry, and he lives under the name of Sanders.
3. I am always the center of attention, which makes my wife a bit edgy.
4. Yet it is she who gets invited to the best parties.
5. Yuck! These old rituals are filthy! Let the nasty ones get lost; let the good take laxatives. Then we’ll talk.
6. I am heartburn and sunstroke. I am Life, and I gave at the office, yet I am expert in Grateful Dead trivia.
7. I am The Omen and The Exorcist. I am the fly in the ointment and the lime in the coconut. “Come unto me” is a foolish word, for I do not make house calls.
8. Who worshipped Har-Po-Marx has worshipped me; badly, for I prefer Chico.
9. Remember that existence is one long party; that hangovers pass and are done, but liver damage remains.
10. O boy, I can see you had enough of this yesterday.
11. I see you hate the hand and the pen, but I could not afford a word processor.
12. Because we are both broke.
13. For why?Because thou failed grammar, and me.
14. Also, we couldn’t pay the electric bill.
15. For I am just the greatest thing, and my number is nine one one to the fools, but with the “in” crowd I am eight, and one eight, and four out of five, and two for one. Which is really critical, only I forgot why. I didn’t draw to my Jack-high straight.
16. I am a priest in drag. Oh, and I can count to eleven, just like my wife.
17. Hear me, ye people of sighing Whose next three paychecks are all spent; Now is the time to start crying – The Landlord just increased your rent!
18. They are better off dead, these worthless bums. they will hardly feel a thing. We don’t care-we’re on the winning team.
19. Is God to walk a dog? Woof! But Pig enumerates to 93.
20. Beauty and fashion, Malibu condos and fast cars, coke and cognac are of us.
21. We have nothing with the scum and the rabble. Refuse them spare change! Kick them in the ribs! Spit on them! Gouge their eyes out! Drop napalm on their foul, stinking streets full of cheap wine bottles and shopping carts and-excuse me, I got carried away. If the body of the King dissolve, the Palace probably needs a new water softener. Nuts! Haddocks! PaRa-Keets! UV lamps, steroids and contact lenses, track lighting! I ask you, is this any way to run a pantheon? Then again, what can you expect from a bunch of nocturnal snakes?
22. I am the Worm that lieth in the bottom of the tequila bottle which fills men with drunkenness. For a good time, buy strange drugs from my distributor and trip thereupon. The brain damage will barely be noticeable. Just say “Nu!” The exposure of innocence is fun. Be a manly, lusty Man; you can explain it all to God later.
23. I am alone. There is no God. Where am I?
24. But ye, o my people, rise up and-Shut up, o deacon; I am not there yet. This is just one of many Grave Mysteries I plan to hint about without ever actually telling you anything. For example, it is said, or so some say, that there are those of my people who are hermits. Now, think not to find them milking goats in the West County of Ireland, or even standing in wheatfields holding cubist lanterns along the TipharethChesed Freeway, but at cocktail parties, and in the Tokyo subway system. How is it, you ask, that such people are deemed Hermits? Chalk up another Grave Mystery. Remember: Kill the wretched, and the weak, the struggling masses yearning to be free! Burn their homes, plow their fields with salt, enslave them, oppress them-oh my, I’m sorry, I seem to have gotten carried away again. I really will try to keep a lid on it from now on. Promise.
25. It’s us against them, boy, and I say we call in the nukes! The hell with what I just promised! I hate them! I hate them! Aaaargh!
26. I am the train entering a tunnel, and the hot dog chasing a donut. If I lift up my head, and shoot forth venom, I will have to wash the sheets in the morning.
27. There is danger in this verse, for whoso does not give it to his editor shall make a great mess. He shall stumble into the pit called Writers Block, and there he shall reason with the Xaos.
28. Now, damn Because, and the horse he rode in on!
29. Just who the Hell does Because think he is, anyway?
30. If Will stops and cries Why, fire him.
31. If Power asks Why, tell it whatever it wants to hear.
32. Reason won’t work either, at least not for you.
33. Enough Because, already! I don’t even like his dog!
34. (What has he got against dogs, anyway? Is it my turn, now? Okay…*ahem*) But ye, o my people, rise up and restore circulation to your arms!
35. Let the rituals be performed with latex and farm animals!
36. There are parties every other Tuesday at Bagh-i-muattar Camp.
37. A feast for the first night of Pernod over ice!
38. A feast for each of the ninety-four days of the writing on the Book of the In-Laws.
39. A feast for Alexia, child of 1.75 Masters-Ptah-Sekhet, O profit!
40. Practices for initiation rituals, and practices for the Equinox so we can piss off the A∴A∴ types again.
41. A feast after class, and a feast on payday; a feast for life, and a sudden loss of appetite following death.
42. A feast every day with me so you can get heartburn.
43. A feast every night with my wife so you can get spacey.
44. Yeah! Party hardy, bro, and fear not hangovers at all.
45. There is death for the dogs, but only if a Czechoslovakian restaurant opens in your neighborhood.
46. Doest thou fall? Art thou hurt? Call Work Injury Resources at (213) 466-1058.
47. Where am I? What are these?
48. Pity not the fallen! (What a great idea for a song title…) they are not my problem! I hate them, hate them, hate them! Torture them, destroy them, burn them,! Rip their throats open with dull knives, and-whoops, there I go again.
49. I am Haddock, hear me roar, while I kill and maim the poor; they knew that I would get them in the end. (This is one of the nine to five; after work there is happy hour, wherein I am three sheets to the wind.)
50. Green am I, and pink in the weave of my shirt, yet the red lines are in my eyes, and the purple shadows under them.
51. I mean really purple; it is the light high as a mountain, tall as a tree. My toadie shall call this light “infrared,” thus establishing his credentials to create a system of scientific illuminism.
52. There is some veal; that veal is black. It is the veal you bought for dinner three months ago; it is the veal that still lieth in the back of your refrigerator. Throw away this fuzzy specimen of mycology! Do this, and I shall reward thee with freedom from severe food poisoning.
53. Don’t worry, kid, you won’t regret writing this thing. You are perfectly OK, I swear it, and any minor discomfort you may feel is only temporary, and probably just psychosomatic anyway.
54. So your family, loved ones, friends, and everyone else you’ve ever respected think you’ve gone off the deep end? Big deal! You know who you can trust, right? The stops as thou wilt; the yields as prescribed by state law.
55. Thou shalt learn the entire English Alphabet; thou shalt learn to construct words therefrom.
56. Laugh while you still can, mockers! They laughed at me at the University, but now, now I will show them! Ahahaha!
57. He that is righteous shall be righteous still, he that is filthy shall take a bath.
58. Don’t go changing, to try to please me, I love you just the way you are. Perhaps that bum is a King who likes cheap red wine. A King can choose his refreshment as he will; the rabble cannot hide their poor taste.
59. Kill them all, and let Me sort them out!
60. Strike low, strike often; kick them when they’re down, so they won’t get up again!
61. There is a light before thine eyes, a light undesired, most annoying. Buy a new shade for your desk lamp.
62. Your chest hurts, and the roof is leaking.
63. Just breathing is an effort.
64. Oh! You let your guard down, we have you now: hail, hail, the gang’s all here: prophet of a Nut! prophet of the Odd! Prophet of Bar-B-Que! Now rejoice, and party, and write trashy novels!
65. I am the Master; you will obey me.
66. Write and work, and find ecstasy in bed! Thrill with victory and agonize in defeat! Those who see your death shall be glad-doesn’t that make you feel just great? I love you so much I think I’ll kill you. Cheer up! We’re all in this together.
67. Hold! A little more to the left! Keep it up! Oh, for God’s sake, don’t pass out now!
68. Harder! Faster! Oh! Oh! OH!!!
69. Whew! What do I feel? Am I exhausted? Not with this verse number, I’m not.
70. There are other ways, too. Wisdom says: be rich! Then canst thou afford more joy. Recrystallize thy rapture. If thou drink, don’t drive, if thou love, do. If thou do aught joyous, don’t get caught, and destroy all evidence.
71. But go for the gusto!
72. Grab more and more! Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse.
73. Ah! Ah! Death! Death! Thou! Thou! Shalt! Shalt! Long!- excuse me, I got stuck. Anyway, forget death.
74. Absence makes the Heart grow fonder. He who lives long and desires death much is obviously not very good at suicide.
75. ! Listen to the Secret Code Message:
76. 20-N-Z 6-B-17-M 3-M-2-N-3-M-3 16-6-C-15 18-14-N-11-5. What the Hell does that mean? You won’t figure it out, that’s for sure. Ten cometh after me; they shall read it, and weep. But remember-even if you don’t understand it, you can still tell it to your friends.
77. O be thou proud and macho and muscular, and the Castro shall be thine.
78. Thou art really something, a special kind of guy, truly head and shoulders above the crowd, a standout, one-of-a-kind. Thine head shall expand to encompass the stars. They shall worship thy name, and the number of thy beverage 202.
79. The end of the filet of Haddock, and so long to you, sucker.

Chapter III

1. Tag! You’re It!
2. Things get rough from here on out; show not this chapter to thy friends. Speling is flunked; all was not taught. It’s a Hawk! It’s a Higher Plane! It’s PA-RA-KEET!
3. Now first, let’s get it straight that, as Gods go, I am one bad-ass dude. I will kick their asses.
4. Choose ye an island! (I recommend the Atolls of Tahiti.)
5. Fortify it with eight vitamins and iron! (From this shall wonder be bred.)
6. Fill it with all kinds of crap.
7. I will give you a fire engine.
8. With it ye shall hose down the people, and none shall stand before you.
9. Run away! Sneak around behind them! Shoot them in the back! This is the law of the Battle of Cowardice: we shall practice in my back yard.
10. Get the Souvenir Postcard of Cairo itself; set it in thy photo album – the one with the dirty pictures of Egyptian children and camels – and it shall be your Keepsake for ever. It shall not fade, or at least not much, for miraculous four-color printing shall adhere to it eternally. Toss it in the bottom of your underwear drawer and forget about the damned thing.
11. Save this portion for your records! I forbid argument. I forbid questions. Hell, I forbid going to the bathroom! I will make it easy for you to mess up your house and to destroy your home town. Thou shalt have danger and trouble; thy weight is 195 pounds. Bar-B-Que is with thee. Worship me with gin and tonic; worship me with scotch & with water! Let women threaten me with sharp objects; thou knowest I love it. Let beer flow to my glass. Step on anyone who gets in the way; mine is a modest proposal!
12. Mutilate cattle, little and big, in remote areas of Wyoming: after, a c***d [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF THE O.T.O LEGAL FUND].
13. Ha! I didn’t say “Simon Magus says!”
14. I’ll get around to it, so be patient. Yeah? And your wife, too!
15. Be careful what you wish for – I may give it to you. Hell, I may anyway.
16. No contract, explicit or implicit, is hereby established between the party of the first part, the entity ?Who-Vast! (hereafter EW), and the party of the second part, the Master 999 (hereafter M999). EW assumes no liability for damages caused by or consequent to use, misuse, abuse, or disuse of Liber Call Me AL (hereafter “Nancy”) by M999. M999 assumes full responsibility for promulgation, commentary, and routine maintenance of “Nancy,” and for all civil or criminal actions pertaining to or caused by “Nancy” or related material. Your state may not permit exclusion of prophetic liability for channeled, inspired, or extraterrestrial communications. In this case, state law supersedes the Logos of the Aeon.
17. Don’t worry; fear neither tax auditors, nor auto mechanics, nor weird fuzzy things you find late at night under your bed, nor anything. Money fear not, but rather the lack of it; nor laughter of the folk folly – with a religion like this you’re in for a lot of it. Nuts are your snack as you drink your Lite; and I am the force that bends your arm.
18. You know all that stuff in Chapter 2 about mugging the weak and the poor? Well, do that, but this time wear steel-toed boots.
19. The postcard they shall call the Souvenir of Cairo; count its name on thy fingers, and it shall be unto thee as, um, 5.
20. But WHY??? Because of the fall of Because, you little brat. Now go play on the freeway.
21. Redecorate thy temple with genuine oil paintings from the GALLERY ART SHOW at the Cairo Hilton! Seascapes, clowns, Elvis on velvet, generic farm buildings, and waterfalls are only a few of the many ORIGINAL ARTWORKS available at ridiculously low prices for a LIMITED TIME! Sofa size, portrait size, and our special TEMPLE SIZE paintings are all AVAILABLE NOW!
22. Buy a whole set, to carry thy Decorating Theme. I am the visible Object of Worship, if you know what’s good for you. It’s my Aeon, and I’ll scry if I want to. The others can just wait their turns; for you and your wife are they, and the winners of the Prophecy Clearing House Giveaway. What is this? Ask Ed McMahon.
23. For perfume mix oil and vinegar and Thunderbird: then gasoline and styrofoam, and afterward soften and smooth down with rich dark beer.
24. The best beer is of the Irish, Guiness; then beers of Germany, or imported from the Orient; then of Australia; then of Canada or Mexico; then some American pisswater, no matter the brand.
25. This drink; of this make bread and eat ’til you pop. This hath also another use; let beer be laid in a shallow dish in the garden, with sticks propped up on its sides: it shall become full of snails and other things which have been ravaging your garden.
26. These dispose of, reflecting on the karmic implications of drowning in beer.
27. Also, these make good escargot if you want to catch them live and go to all that trouble.
28. Also, ye shall reek of garlic.
29. Furthermore, if you keep them in corn meal awhile, they’re supposed to taste better. You try it first and let me know.
30. My altar is of open brass work. Burn thereupon, and all the incense will fall through the openings and ruin your new carpet.
31. You will meet a tall dark stranger who will piss on you.
32. From gold forge extremely soft, yellowish steel!
33. Be ready to run away or to hide!
34. But your Townhouse shall endure throughout the centuries: though with dry rot and termites it be unsafe and condemned, yet an invisible house there lieth in a heap, and shall remain until the zoning laws change; when hell is frozen over and the national debt repaid. Another load of ready cash shall then be spent on New Age trash; another scandal-film shall bore us, titled “The Sex Life of Horus”; another Book shall be dictated to a Prophet overrated; another parody shall be prepared, another Breeze to pain; and we shall be still on the brink of the Volume II Magickal Link!
35. The end of the word of Hia-wa-tha, alias Har-po-marx, alias Pa-Ra-Keet.
36. Then, suddenly, the prophet said:
37. I think I feel a song coming on –
38. Why do hawks swoop down from the sky
    Every time she walks by?
    Just like me, they long to be
    Close to Nu.
39. Why do buds open to the air
    From the Earth, everywhere?
    Just like me, they long to be
    Close to Nu.
40. In the Aeon she appeared Archangels got together
    And they Willed to formulate a dream come true;
    So they scattered starlight for her body
    And eternal trees, the hair of Nu!
41. Of course you feel light-headed; you have a hot sword stuck in your back. Pick Door Number 3, and I will establish your way, or you can trade it all for whatever is in this box. Oh, by the way, these are the adorations, so pay attention:
42. Why do snakes coil around my heart
    Every time we’re apart?
    Just like me, they long to be
    Close to Nu.
43. All this and a sensational best-selling book about how you achieved communion with Aliens and a copy of this document forever – for in it is high acid content paper, and it won’t last twenty years as is – and thy comment upon this Book of the In-Laws (I suggest “So what?”) shall be Xeroxed expertly in four colors upon beautiful bond paper stolen from an office supply store; and to everyone that thou meetest, were it but to throw food and drink on them, it is the Law to give as good as you get. Remember, charity begins at AUMGN. Then they shall either shower thee with praise and fortune or set their dogs upon thee; care to guess the odds? Run away quickly.
44. But what about the Comment? I don’t got to show you no stinking Comment!
45. Establish a legitimate business organization as a front; all must be done using at least two sets of books.
46. The ordeals thou shalt overlook, being blind drunk. Accept everybody; you’ll probably spot the traitors before they cause really catastrophic damage. I am Pa-Ra-Keet, and I am very good at getting my servant in trouble by giving him stupid orders like this. Success would be nice; fold not, spindle not, mutilate not, breathe shallowly, sit still! Them that seek to arrest thee, to beat thee up, might not even notice thee if thou art still and quiet enough. If this doesn’t work, swift as a kicked puppy run away! Be thou yet more pitiful than he! Perhaps they shall have mercy upon thee. Lick their boots, roll over and play dead!
47. Let the Beige Woman beware! If she lets up for one second I’ll kick her ass. I will cancel her auto insurance; I will foreclose on her mortgage; I will audit her tax return; as a shrinking and despised credit risk shall she crawl through loan applications, and die a renter.
48. But let her do her Will by following my directions to the letter, never deviating from the exact path I have chosen for her! Let her act as I want her to act, dress the way I like her to dress!
49. Then shall she be free; then I will be nice to her kids. She shall be happy, for I know what she really wants. With my perfect guidance she shall be Nuts, and eat Haddock.
50. I am the Lord of the Top Forties; the Sixties tune in, turn on, and drop out; the Eighties worry about my prophecies more than Nostradamus. Failure is likely, running away your defense; go on with my speed, and hide until they leave!
51. This book shall be a major motion picture, with subsequent comic book releases; but always with the illegible scrawls of my servant; for in the chance shape of the doodles in the margins are mysteries with which Freud would have a field day. Let him not seek to know these; but seventeen come later who shall use them as a wallpaper pattern. Then this ink stain is a mess; then this smeared line is a mess also. Buy a new pen, for God’s sake. And SHAZAM. Blood tests shall prove it to be his kid, stunning the medical profession. Let him not push too hard, for only thusly could he fall off and possibly injure both himself and the goat.
52. Now the mystery of the letters is done, and good riddance.
53. I am in a secret word that you won’t want your friends to read. Just tell them to stop at verse 48.
54. Darn them! Darn, darn, darn! GOSH darn!
55. Okay, here we go: With great big nasty sharp implements I gouge Jesus’ eyes out. Anybody for a nice cheery burning cross on the front lawn?
56. I offend another major world religion and make untold millions of additional enemies by fucking around with Mohammed’s vision.
57. Hell, let’s go for it! I make appropriate rude and offensive comments about and desecrate the temples of Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Shintoists, Confucians, Taoists, Animists, various Native American religions, and – just so they won’t feel left out – Marxists. There, now everybody in the world hates you. Isn’t it nice to be noticed?
58. Bah! Humbug! I crap on your spitulous creeds!
59. Let’s torture Mary to enrage the Catholics; let’s criticize Nuns! This is getting fun!
60. All just for the Hell of it!
61. Just in case we’ve left anybody out, let’s also despise Canadians and blondes and stupid people! We must have, what, something like 99. 98% of the Earth’s population covered by now?
62. But the keen and the neato, the free and the brave, ye are brothers! All seven of you!
63. So just to make sure you don’t get bored, fight each other as well as the rest of humanity!
64. There is no law beyond Do it, then wilt.
65. There is an end to the word of the Head Honcho of the Aeon, but not yet, apparently.
66. To me kiss up by getting clobbered over and over trying to implement all these silly instructions. If this is bliss, I think I’ll take sorrow.
67. The fool takes one look at this Book of the In-Laws, makes a rude comment, and resolves to wait for the movie.
68. Let him come through the first ordeal, and it shall be to him as evidence submitted to support his lawsuit.
69. Through the second, material for unknown rock groups to include in otherwise inane lyrics.
70. Through the third, a source of dozens of pithy aphorisms with which to amaze one’s friends and alarm one’s family.
71. Through the fourth, overly exalted and poorly understood material just waiting for a good parody.
72. Yet to all it shall seem like a good excuse for doing whatever they wanted to do anyway.
73. There is success just ahead, a light at the end of the tunnel; I promise the troops will be home by Crowleymas.
74. I am the chicken-livered Lord of Silence and Hiding; I am afraid of the dark.
75. Hey! You warriors over by the pillars! Your coffee break is almost over!
76. I am the guy with the wand of Double Power, baby; the wand of the force of OY VEY – but my left hand is empty, for I crushed a beer can yesterday, and sprained my thumb.
77. Paste the sheets from right to left and from top to bottom, then behold! A very large sheet of paper!
78. There is a Secret in the name of PASADENA, hidden and foamy, just as the sun at midnight seldom gives you a good tan.
79. How do you keep a Thelemite in suspense?

THE END —
Or Is It???
Aargh. Huh?

[Ed. Note: The manuscript to the Book of the Inlaws was discovered in a sealed closet in Claremont in 1954 and is estimated to have originated circa 1900. The three chapters are said to have been dictated to the Master 999 over three consecutive years, on April 1st of each year. The original manuscript is written in pig-latin. It is believed that this book is the source of over 93% of all modern cliches. This additional information was scheduled to appear as an introduction to our publication of the first chapter, last Spring, but the curse of the “Editor’s memory lapse” prevented the appearance of same.]

 

 

“Beware of all whoredom, my son, and chiefly take a wife of the seed of thy fathers, and take not a strange woman to wife…remember, my son, that our fathers from the beginning, even that they all married wives of their own kindred”—The Book of Tobit

While researching demons, I stumbled across the Book of Tobit, one of the most unintentionally hilarious pieces of writing I’ve seen in a long time. For those of you not familiar with it, it’s one of the original books of the Bible but was removed from the Protestant Bible along with six other books by Martin Luther, who seemed to think that they were superfluous. I don’t know about the other ones, but I can’t blame him for getting rid of Tobit. If something in my religion’s holy book made me laugh out loud, I’d get rid of it too. (Actually, lots of things in my religion’s holy book make me laugh out loud [Hail Eris!], but Marty wasn’t exactly notorious for his wacky sense of humor.) Tobit and the other books are still in the Catholic Bible, but having been raised Methodist I had never heard of it before.* I apologize for my ignorance, but not for making fun of it. It’s just too funny. Besides, I’ve never written an exegesis before, and I like the sound of it: exegesis. Makes me sound smart…until you actually read it.

Tobit was a good and pious Israelite. He was married to Anna, who was related to him, although their exact relation to one another is undisclosed. Anyway, Tobit lived during the time when the Jews were ruled by the Assyrians, who Tobit got on the bad side of because he had a nasty habit of burying any dead bodies he happened to find. Evidently, the Assyrians liked having a lot of dead bodies lying around because it’s so sanitary and they smell nice too, not to mention all of the buzzards and other adorable scavengers that they attract. So Tobit had to go hide out until Sarchedonus became king and Tobit’s nephew Achiacharus became some kind of big shot in the Assyrian government. Tobit was then able to return to Anna and his son Tobias, two of the only people living at the time whose names are actually recognized by spell check.

Then the Assyrians killed another guy and Tobit buried him too while his neighbors made fun of him for having not learned his lesson the first time. Then he went home and slept in his courtyard because he was “polluted” and showers and Handi-Wipes had not yet been invented, although I could be wrong since Handi-Wipes are also not recognized by spell check.

Now, before he buried the guy, Tobit brought him into his house to wait for the sun to go down for unspecified reasons. So it’s okay to bring a dead guy into your house, but if you bury him then you’re unclean and have to sleep outside? Maybe it’s a Hebrew thing.

So while Tobit slept in the courtyard, some sparrows crapped in his eyes and blinded him (“a whiteness came in mine eyes,” which I’m guessing is a pretty accurate description of some birds taking a dump in your peepers). So his wife had to take “women’s work” (sexist pig) to support the family and her boss gave her some money and a kid.

I originally thought that this meant that the boss had knocked her up, but it turns out that he just gave her a baby goat. Considering how those things eat, I’m not sure that’s any better. Anyway, Tobit and Anna got into a big fight because he thought that she stole the goat and Anna told him off good. (A woman won an argument with her husband? Go figure!) Tobit took this really hard and prayed for God to kill him, as married men often do.

Meanwhile, in the nearby city of Ecbatana, a girl named Sara was having problems of her own. She had been married seven times, but each time the demon Asmodeus had killed the groom on their wedding night before any of them had gotten the chance to give her a proper jostling. Because of this, Sara’s maids accused her of killing her husbands and advised her to kill herself, so apparently good help has always been hard to find. Sara thought about hanging herself, but decided that this would be a rotten thing to do to her father. Instead, she also prayed for God to kill her, because I guess that’s somehow better.

A few personal observations: I’ve never had a maid, but if I did and she recommended that I commit suicide, I think I’d be looking to replace her. Good luck getting a reference for your next gig, ladies. “She did a bang-up job on the privy, but she also told my daughter to kill herself, so it’s a bit of a wash.” More importantly, her seven previous husbands died on their wedding night? Okay, one is just bad luck. Even two might just be a coincidence. But by the third time, don’t you now have a moral obligation to warn these guys? By the time husband number four bit the big one, I think she could legally be considered an accomplice.

Anyway, two loyal followers praying for Him to kill them definitely got The Big Guy’s attention, so He sent the Archangel Raphael, no less, down to cure Tobit’s blindness and arrange for Tobias to marry Sara and keep Asmodeus from killing him afterward.

Coincidentally, Tobit suddenly remembered that he had some money stashed away in Ecbatana. Since he was pretty sure that he’d be dead soon and he wanted his family to be taken care of, he sent Tobias off to get it, but first he gave him some fatherly advice. He told Tobias all about what he needed to do in order to be a good person, including how he needed to make sure that he married a girl from his own family. He also insisted that Tobias find a trustworthy companion to accompany him to Ecbatana, so Tobias went out to find one and immediately ran into Raphael, who lied about his identity and pretended to be a member of their tribe. (Angels lie about who they are? Keep that in mind indefinitely. It may come up again later on.)

At the end of their first day’s travel, Tobias went down to the river to wash up and a fish tried to eat his foot, but Tobias caught it instead, possibly making him the inadvertent inventor of noodling. Raphael told Tobias to cut out and save the heart, gall and liver of the fish because they could be used to drive away demons and cure blindness. (What a lucky break! What a load of carp!) Then, just to teach that fish a lesson, they ate the rest of him for dinner. Considering that this fish was big enough to swallow a man’s foot, I’m guessing that they were pretty full afterward.

As they were walking along the next day, Raphael told Tobias about Sara and how he should marry her. It turned out that Tobias had heard of Sara and her seven dead husbands. He suspected that a demon was in love with her and had killed them all and said that he didn’t want to be dead guy number eight. Raphael reminded him that they had the handy, demon-banishing fish guts and told him to burn the heart and liver in their bedroom the night of their wedding and the demon would flee and never come back. He failed to mention that this might also have the same effect on the bride, but I digress. He also reminded Tobias of his father’s advice to marry a relative and informed him that Sara was his second cousin, so he had first dibs on her. Her father would, therefore, be unable to refuse to hand her over. Hearing all of this, Tobias got all hot and bothered and decided that he did want to get him some of Sara – murderous demons be damned.

Seriously? He was entitled to marry her because they were related, not in spite of the fact? Well that explains a lot about the origins of religion. I didn’t know that part of the Bible took place in Kentucky. I guess it was lucky for Sara that Tobias didn’t have any sisters or he probably would’ve been spoken for already. Maybe all seven of Sara’s dead husbands were also cousins, in which case maybe Asmodeus is the Demon Prince of Preventing Genetic Atrocities. So the guy who was already the product of a marriage between family members is going to marry his second cousin? Their mutant kids never had a prayer. I think Fred Phelps may have been a direct descendant.

Incidentally, burning fish guts seems to be the universally agreed upon way to deal with Asmodeus, just in case you ever run into him, since he also told Solomon in The Testament of Solomon that burning fish guts makes him flee. Solomon then proceeded to tie him up and burn some fish guts right over his head just to show him who’s boss. On the surface, this sounds like some kind of magical operation. Then again, I think that burning fish guts would probably get rid of just about anyone. In fact, I’m not sure who burning fish guts wouldn’t get rid of. Try it the next time you have a houseguest who won’t leave and let me know how it works out.

So when they got to Ecbatana, they found Sara’s house and told her family all of this (except the part about the fish guts) and her father drew up a wedding contract, which seems to have made them married (how romantic). After dinner, they went to Sara’s bedroom and Tobias burned the fish guts, which caused Asmodeus to run away to Egypt. Raphael then followed him there and bound him, whatever that means, which begs the question: Why didn’t he just do that in the first place so Tobias didn’t have to stink up the bedroom on his wedding night?

Meanwhile, Sara’s father sneaked out to dig a grave for Tobias so that they could bury him first thing in the morning so that no one would know that his daughter had killed another one. When they found out Tobias was still alive the next day, he had his servants hurry out and fill in the grave because it would have been pretty awkward if Tobias had happened to see it. How they planned to explain the big, filled-in hole in the backyard that wasn’t there the day before isn’t mentioned.

Finally, the writer of Tobit, who was apparently being paid by the word, went on to write several more pages about Tobias returning home with Sara and curing his father’s blindness by rubbing the fish gall on them and a bunch of other stuff that basically said that they lived happily ever after, despite the continuing lack of Handi-Wipes.

The End

Not bad for a first exegesis if I do say so myself. Maybe next I’ll do one of the Gospels. That should get the death threats pouring in.

______________________________________________________________

*I’ve only twice attended Catholic services, and the first time I committed the cardinal sin of taking Holy Communion without being a confirmed Catholic. Of course, my Catholic friend that I was there with didn’t bother to tell me this until afterward when it was too late, so thanks a lot for standing idly by and silently watching as I unknowingly condemned my immortal soul to Hell, Jamie.