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  • Quetzalcoatl: Man, Myth or Super-Intelligent Archaeopteryx?

    “Take great pains to make yourselves friends of God who is in all parts, and is invisible and impalpable, and it is meant that you give Him all your heart and body, and look that you be not proud in your heart, nor yet despair, nor be cowardly of spirit; but that you be humble in your heart and have hope in God. Be at peace with all, shame yourselves before none and to none be disrespectful; respect all, esteem all, defy no one, for no reason affront any person.”—Quetzalcoatl (allegedly)

     

    Painting of Quetzalcoatl Writing about the Mayan motifs found in some crop formations recently got me thinking about some of the various and fragmented things that I know about Native American history and mythology. Mostly, it got me thinking about Quetzalcoatl. Although I didn’t mention it because I think it’s silly, there are some who think that he was an alien and that this is why there have been so many Mayan themes included in these formations. I guess anything is possible.

    I’ve been meaning to learn more about Quetzalcoatl for a long time, but I’ve just never quite gotten around to it. By that, I mean the legends about the white dude in long robes who some think was Jesus and allegedly taught the Mesoamericans about everything from art to science to civilization, not Quetzalcoatl the god. What’s the difference? That’s a tricky question. I shall do my best to clear that up.

    Quetzalcoatl the god goes way back in Mesoamerican mythology, although there is some debate about how far. His name translates as feathered serpent: quetzal meaning feather, and coatl being snake in the Nahuatl language. He was known by many other names by different groups, most of which still translate, more or less, to feathered serpent, and he was the god of so many various things that it’s hard to pin down exactly what his role was. What is generally agreed upon is that he was a god of culture and civilization. There are also several stories that claim that he created us, or at least he helped out. (That could be interpreted metaphorically, even if it wasn’t meant that way. Stay tuned.) What isn’t agreed upon is pretty much everything else.

    One of the most amazing things about the history of ancient Mesoamerican civilizations is how little we know about them and how much the supposed experts disagree on. This includes not being able to agree when certain things happened (or even if they did happen), and sometimes their estimates are hundreds of years apart. And if this isn’t confusing enough, various rulers and priests from these different cultures had a habit of taking the name of one of their gods, so there were lots of important men in these civilizations who called themselves Quetzalcoatl, or Kukulcan, or whatever their name for him was. All of this makes it almost impossible to separate facts from myths. Add to that the New Age crap that some pinheads spew, apparently based solely on what they want to believe is true, and you get one very convoluted picture. At least the complete failure of December 21, 2012 to have amounted to anything has shut most of that last bunch up.

    Now that we’ve completely failed to clear all of that up, let’s move on to the legend of this mysterious stranger and see if we can untangle who he might have been and what he had to say about things.

    This particular Quetzalcoatl is described as being tall, fair skinned and having a beard, sometimes with blond hair and blue eyes. He either wore long white robes or armor – a contradictory detail of some significance but which we have no way of confirming either way. Exactly when he arrived on the scene is, naturally, a matter of some debate. Although most scholars reject the idea that he ever existed as anything but a myth, if such a man ever did really exist, the general consensus is that he showed up at about the time of the emergence of the Toltec empire around 1000 CE and may have been the guiding force behind its rise to power. He may have also been in contact with the few remaining Mayans of the time, who called him Kukulcan, and whose civilization had been in decline for centuries at that point and was then just a shadow of its former self.

    Most of what we know of this guy comes from the Aztecs, whose empire followed on the heels of the demise of the Toltecs. Despite the fact that they were definitely a few rungs down on the enlightenment ladder, you have to give the Aztecs some credit. They freely admitted that they were basically squatters in the cities of those who came before them, unlike the Egyptians pharaohs who tried to erase all records of their predecessors so that they could take credit for all of their accomplishments. The downside is that most of our information about the enigmatic Quetzalcoatl comes from a secondhand civilization that revered him but didn’t really practice what he preached. This doesn’t necessarily invalidate their story by itself. What the Catholic Inquisitions did was at least as bad as the human sacrifice practiced by the Aztecs, but they still knew all about Jesus. For that matter, the Toltecs also practiced human sacrifice even though Quetzalcoatl condemned this practice, so either he wasn’t as influential as we’ve been led to believe, or his followers fell back into bad habits after he left. No one who thinks that he was real has ever been able to satisfactorily explain this. Somewhat ironically, this is where his story begins, or at least one version of it.

    Quetzalcoatl was said to have arrived in the Toltec city of Tollan just as a priest was about to make a sacrifice to Tezcatlipoca, who just happens to be the god Quetzalcoatl’s brother. Quetz was not at all happy about this act of barbarity and ordered them to stop. The angry priest replied that if they didn’t do this then horrible, nasty, awful things would happen to the city, but Queatz assured them that as long as he was there, the city would flourish. For whatever reason, they believed him, maybe because they had never seen a blond hippie before and didn’t know quite what to make of him.

    After this, he went on to teach them about science, especially astronomy, how to grow corn, dye cotton, work gold, etc. He is also said by some to have devised their calendar and taught them to worship one god. After a time, he left the Toltecs and sailed away to the east from whence he had come, promising to return one day, as gods always do.

    Quetzalcoatl as JesusThe main problem with all of this is that there had already been Mesoamerican cultures who knew how to do all of these things before then and that there is no evidence that any of them, including the Toltecs, ever worshiped just one god. No wonder most of the “experts” consider him to be a myth. But if he was a myth, where did the idea of a bearded white guy come from? In case you’ve never noticed, Native Americans with beards are extremely rare, and the ones in that region were pretty well bronzed as well.

    For some, the answer is quite simple: he was Jesus. Most Mormons accept this explanation even though the LDS Church doesn’t officially make that claim. John Taylor, third president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints wrote in 1882

    The story of the life of the Mexican divinity, Quetzalcoatl, closely resembles that of the Savior; so closely, indeed, that we can come to no other conclusion than that Quetzalcoatl and Christ are the same being. But the history of the former has been handed down to us through an impure Lamanitish source, which has sadly disfigured and perverted the original incidents and teachings of the Savior’s life and ministry.

    Since The Book of Mormon states that Jesus came to America after his resurrection, I suppose this makes perfect sense…at least to them.

    Another less esoteric theory is that Quetz was actually a group of Vikings that arrived in the area around this time. Perhaps the natives of the region had possessed all of the aforementioned knowledge in the past but had forgotten it, so these Vikings decided to re-teach them what it was obvious that they had once known judging by their ancient art and architecture. It’s possible, but that doesn’t sound like the Vikings I know. I’ve never heard them described as being anything even remotely similar to teachers of culture and civilization. Some sources have claimed that this theory is strengthened by the fact that Quetzalcoatl was said to have shown up wearing armor rather than robes, but that’s probably revisionist history put forth by those who want to believe this version of the story for whatever reason. There are also supposedly paintings of red-bearded men with swords engaged in battle that have been found in the area, but I can’t find them anywhere.* At least that does sound more like what we would expect from Vikings.

    A theory that I originally dismissed but have now warmed up to a bit is the idea that Quetzalcoatl and his clan may have come from Atlantis. My initial rejection of this idea wasn’t based on a disbelief that such a place has ever existed: there is plenty of evidence that at least one somewhat advanced civilization existed before what is generally agreed upon by mainstream science. (I am especially fond of Michael Cremo’s term “forbidden archaeology” to describe this field of study.) What bothered me was the timeline. The first written mention of Atlantis that is accepted by mainstream scholars was in Timaes by Plato, and he claimed that his knowledge of the place came from Solon, who in turn said that he heard about it from Egyptian priests. This puts its existence back to around 1000 BCE at the very latest. Most historical heretics think that Atlantis was destroyed thousands of years earlier than that.

    This was way before Quetz arrived on the scene, so I quickly ruled out this possibility for his origin. But the more I kept digging, the more pervasive I found the “white god” mythos to be. It existed in cultures across many centuries from Mexico all the way down into South America. I was especially impressed by the legend of Viracocha, the creator god of the Incas and their forebears who was also said to be white, bearded and connected with the sea. He also left by sailing away, in this case west across the Pacific (or walking on the water by some accounts) but it was believed that he would someday return. He was also connected with a great flood that destroyed most of humanity (sound familiar?). In fact, the more I learned about Viracocha, the more I came to realize that he was a better Quetzalcoatl than Quetz had ever been.

    Like the feathered serpent god, we really have no good indication of how far back the origin of Viracocha goes. Most modern scholars now claim that the idea of bearded white gods was started by the Spanish invaders. There is some evidence that this could be true, but as is often the case, much of their dismissal of inconvenient ideas seems more a matter of expedience and doesn’t make a great deal of sense. Why the Spanish would have done this is far from clear. The archaeological company line is that they were trying to convince the natives that they were gods. I guess it’s possible, but wouldn’t these people have known enough about their own deities that there was no way that they would have fallen for this? And why were only some of their gods white? How would all of this have worked?

    Cortes: Hi there Moctezuma. I’m one of your gods. You should know this because I’m white and have a beard like Quetzalcoatl, but not any of your other gods for some reason.

    Moctezuma: Quetzalcoatl was white and had hair on his face?

    Cortes: Yes, now do everything I say and give me all of your gold.

    Moctezuma: Okay, I guess that sounds reasonable enough. Here you go.

    And just in case I haven’t made it clear enough, all of these white gods from various cultures had a lot in common and were all said to have shown up in person to bring knowledge of science and civilization to the people. If any of their other gods ever put in a personal appearance, I’m not aware of it. I’m fairly certain that at least one of the skeptics would have pointed this out.

    However, in the interest of fairness and accuracy, I’ll play experts advocate for a moment and admit that this tactic of pretending to be gods isn’t completely without precedent. When the missionaries were attempting to spread Christianity across Central and Northern Europe, one of their methods was to incorporate some pagan rituals and beliefs into Christianity, and some of them are still there today. Also, some of their gods were converted into Christian saints as a way to appease them. The goddess Bridgette became Saint Bridgette, and Demeter became Saint Demetrius, changing sex in the process, which is supposed to be the sort of thing that the Catholic Church frowns upon. On the other hand, the Horned God became Satan so that they could accuse his followers of worshiping the Devil.**

    Noah's Ark: photo by Shem
    Noah’s Ark (photo by Shem)

    Just to be difficult. I’m going to proceed on the assumption that the experts are wrong and that these legends about white guys have some basis in fact. Since they appeared all over this region, and at least one of them can be traced back to the time of the Great Flood (possibly the one that we typically associate with Noah but which has been recorded in legends from around the world and so might have actually happened), it’s not unreasonable to suspect that he/they showed up much earlier than is generally reported. The myths about Quetzalcoatl, Viracocha, et al. were all conceivably based on a much older truth that may have had its roots in lost civilizations.

    Estimates of when the Great Flood occurred usually place it at around 5000 BCE. The earliest written record of it is in the Epic of Gilgamesh, written around 2100 BCE. Just to be clear, I’m not saying that this flood is what wiped out Atlantis. Most who subscribe to the theory of its existence think that it was destroyed long before that. I’m just using Viracocha’s association with this event to try to find a marker in time. If 5000 BCE is accurate, this puts him back at the very earliest estimates of the beginnings of farming and domesticating animals in South America, which just happened to have been in Peru, right where the Incas would later build their empire and tell stories about Viracocha.

    Skeletal remains found in the area from this time indicate a very different group of people than the ones the Spaniards found living there. These earlier people had elongated skulls with pronounced jawbones. This sounds like the mysterious moai statues of the Easter Islands. This, along with Viracocha’s association with the Pacific Ocean, indicates that if a lost civilization was the origin of these people, it was most likely Lemuria, or Mu, the Pacific version of the Atlantean legend. And just to throw another wrinkle in this already wrinkly subject, the melting of the glaciers from the last ice age that likely triggered the Great Flood really kicked in about 12,000 years ago. This could have flooded any island civilizations long before it reached higher elevations in the Middle East where Noah lived.

    Genetic analysis of Native American remains has yielded some interesting results. Most of this work has been done on North American remains and is more indicative of an Atlantean civilization, but only a small percentage of Native American groups have been tested. If the ancient Peruvian skeletons have been analyzed, I can’t find any record of it. If and when they are, I would be surprised if they don’t turn out to share a type of mitochondrial DNA found in Asians and Polynesians.

    While none of this testing has yet proven the existence of any lost civilizations, when the Iroquois of North America and the Basque people of Spain have been shown to share some common ancestors, it definitely raises some interesting points. The Basque have long been considered by some to be the descendants of refugees from Atlantis, and Iroquois legends tell of them coming to America after fleeing their original homeland following a great disaster.

    Quetzalcoatl's PyramidCan you see why I had to put off posting this when I originally planned two weeks ago? I started off just intending to write a piece about alleged white guys showing up in ancient Mesoamerican legends, and now I’m reporting on the results of genetic testing done on Native American skeletal remains. I ended up going so far off the reservation (pun partially intended) that I didn’t know where I was headed…and still don’t. There’s lots more; this just seemed like a good stopping point. I definitely see a Part 2 somewhere in the near future. Maybe not next week, but soon – although I fear that it might not amount to anything more than a smattering of loosely connected ideas and minutiae that I couldn’t find a convenient place to include here. I barely even mentioned the Mayan elements found in some crop formations that were the inspiration for all of this to begin with. Oh well, such is life.

    As far as the opening quote which is attributed to Quetzalcoatl, I don’t know if he really said that, but it’s probably not bad advice no matter where it came from. 

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    *If you do an image search for “Vikings in Mexico,” you get a bunch of photos of Minnesota Vikings cheerleaders on the beach. I’m not complaining, it’s just not what I was looking for.

    **I don’t mean to pick on the Catholics; they were the only Christian game in town back then. I’m sure that the Baptists, Charismatics, etc. would have been doing the same thing if they had existed at the time.

     

    and all the devils are here

     


  • A Baker’s Dozen of Tridecaphobics

    “For 13 to be unlucky would require there to be some kind of cosmic intelligence that counts things that humans count and that also makes certain things happen on certain dates or in certain places according to whether the number 13 is involved or not.”—Douglas Hofstadter

     

    tridecagon
    Tridecagon

    Okay, technically, the fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia, but I find this term to be needlessly complicated, confusing and pretentious, not to mention hard to spell. I strongly suspect that Isador Coriat, the man who came up with this name, suffered from an inferiority complex because no one takes Moroccan psychiatrists seriously, and so he coined this unnecessarily intimidating term to compensate for his low self-esteem at the expense of sesquipedalophobics everywhere. Also, I bet he was really short.

    In any case, tridecaphobia is every bit as real and valid a word, and until the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders designates a specific terminology for this phobia, it’s the one I’m going with.The more specific fear of Friday the 13th in particular is called paraskevidekatriaphobia. I’d simplify that one by converting it from Greek to Latin as well, but it doesn’t really help that much. Besides, veneristridecaphobia sounds like the fear of some weird social disease.

    Both 13 and Friday have been considered unlucky in much of the Western world for centuries, but the combination of the two into one ominous double whammy didn’t happen until sometime in the 19th century. The first known mention of these two joining forces was in the biography of composer Gioachino Rossini, which reported that he considered both of these things to be unlucky, and then went on to die on Friday the 13th of November in 1868, probably due to acute hypochondria.

    Some trace 13’s association with the sinister back to the Last Supper, with Judas being dinner guest 13. Some would argue that we have no idea in what order each of the guests arrived, but I would counter with the argument that if you were to rank your favorite Last Supper participants in order of popularity, Jesus would come in first by a comfortable margin, while Judas would finish a distant last place…except among Satanists. Then it’s probably the other way around.

    Some also connect Jesus with the unlucky reputation of Friday since that’s the day he was allegedly crucified. Makes as much sense as anything I suppose. However, if this is true, then he must have risen from the dead on Monday. I know that some of you aren’t going to like this, but if he rose from the grave after three days, then he was either crucified on Thursday or came back on Monday. I’ve read some of the theological rationalizations of this discrepancy, and they’re all understandably hilarious. There is just no intelligent argument to be made for Sunday being three days after Friday.

    Another possible dinner-party-related origin for the evils of the number 13 comes to us from Norse mythology. The infamous mischief-maker Loki was the 13th (and some say uninvited) guest at a banquet held in Valhalla, where he proceeded to stir up trouble, as Loki was wont to do. According to some versions of the story, it was here that he arranged the murder of the god Balder by tricking his blind (or optophobic?) brother Hod into inadvertently killing him. Loki was then once again the 13th guest to arrive at the funeral, which is just bad form. You can’t arrange for a guy to accidentally kill his own brother and then show up at the funeral.

    Somewhere between this legend and the whole Last Supper betrayal of Jesus debacle arose the belief that having 13 people at a party will result in one of them dying in the next year, though I must admit that I’d never heard of this until a few days ago. Rest assured that from now on I will be counting the number of guests at any social gathering I attend and keeping tabs on the attendees if it turns out that there were 13 of us. Hell, I might throw a party and invite 12 people just to see what happens. I’m just barely evil and completely skeptical enough to try it.

    It might be worth noting that Loki is also considered to be a mythological representation of the Jungian archetype of the Trickster, while some consider Judas to be the archetype of the Traitor, although that’s not an official archetype, and so most people just think he was a dick. But now that I’ve written this, I have no idea where to go with it, so I guess it wasn’t worth mentioning. Sorry.

    One interesting but highly unlikely origin for the dreaded Friday the 13th is that it was on Friday the 13th of October in 1307 when King Philip IV of France had hundreds of the Knights Templar arrested, including Jacques De Molay, their Grand Master. Contrary to what some fans have ignorantly babbled, Dan Brown didn’t discover this little historical tidbit, although he did portray it as fact when it’s almost universally considered to be a good story, but one with no basis in reality. Like I said, Friday the 13th was no big deal until 600 years later.

    De Molay curses Philip and ClementAnd speaking of good fake stories, another one that involves De Molay and may or may not have also been in The Da Vinci Code (I honestly can’t remember) is the one that says that just before he was burned at the stake, he told Phil-4 and Pope Clement that they would be called to judgment for their crimes within a year. Both of them did die less than a year after this: Phil after suffering a stroke while hunting and Clement after a long illness. By some accounts, he died screaming that he was burning up. However, most believe that this curse was invented after their deaths in order to further mythologize the status of De Molay and the Knights Templar.

    There are also traditionally 13 witches in a coven, but no one seems to know exactly why. There must be a connection, but it might just be that 13 already had a bad reputation.

    Unlike Christmas, Friday the 13th usually comes but twice a year, unless one of them is in February, which has exactly four weeks (except for leap years), and so you get an extra one in March. You can also have three of them in a leap year that starts on a Sunday, but that doesn’t happen very often. There can also be only one in a year if that year begins on a Tuesday (or Saturday in a leap year). Plan your vacations accordingly.

    Some claim that Friday the 13th costs the U.S. economy $900,000,000 either per year or per occurrence. Sources vary on which one it is, but it likely doesn’t matter because it’s probably crap. Lots of people take a Friday off for a long weekend every once in a while. Even if Friday the 13th sees more of this, it’s still likely a personal or vacation day that the person had coming anyway. Some major airlines have reported seeing no significant difference in bookings for these days, but they could be lying. With an estimated 10% of the population supposedly having a fear of 13, you gotta figure Friday the 13th is having some kind of impact.

    One of my favorite forms of stupidity ever since I was a little kid is buildings pretending not to have a 13th floor. Even then I knew that unless you’ve got an empty space between floors 12 and 14, then you’ve got a 13th floor. You can call it 14 if you want, but that’s just a sad testament to how dimwitted and easily fooled some people can be.

    Do they factor this “missing” floor into the total when stating how many stories a building has? I have no idea, and I’m really not curious enough to spend a day downtown riding elevators to find out, although it might be a fun way to spend next Friday the 13th after I tell my boss that I’m too scared to come to work that day.

    The standard treatment for phobias is to gradually expose the patient to the object or situation that they fear. I’m not sure how you do that to people who are afraid of a date on the calendar. Maybe you could try convincing them that by the time they wake up at 6 am, it’s actually Friday the 13¼th. By lunchtime, it’s the 13½th. Or I suppose that you could arrange for something really rotten to happen to them on Thursday the 12th (utilitarians and pragmatists only). That way, no matter what happens the next day, it won’t seem so bad – may God have mercy on your cold, dead soul (utilitarian and pragmatic deists only).

    If you want the rare opportunity to be both logical and foolish at the same time, you could try to reason with the unreasonable and point out to them that there have been many calendars over the millennia and that the Gregorian calendar is just an arbitrary human construct. There is nothing in the laws of nature that designates that any day is Friday, or that any day is the 13th day of anything. Case in point: by the Discordian calendar, today is Boomtime, the 25th day of the Season of The Aftermath, Year of our Lady of Discord 3181. Good luck with that.

    And finally, while there’s no shortage of websites that have lists of unusual/amusing phobias, most of them really aren’t that great. Following their bold example, I will now join them in their mediocrity by listing my own favorite phobias that aren’t all that funny.

    Amnesiphobia – fear of amnesia, and possibly the most irrational of all irrational fears, because if you actually got amnesia, you wouldn’t remember being afraid of it.

    Coprastasophobia – the fear of constipation, and

    Defecaloesiophobia – fear of painful bowel movements, either of which could have been the inspiration for the phrase “scared s@#tless.”

    Lutraphobia – fear of otters, because they are terrifying beasts.            

    Aliumphobia – fear of garlic, and

    Spectrophobia – fear of mirrors: a common combination among vampires.

    Atomosophobia – fear of atomic explosions, because most of us just take those in stride.

    Epistemophobia – the fear of knowledge, and

    Eleutherophobia – fear of freedom, both of which are currently running rampant in the Middle East, along with:

    Eurotophobia – the fear of female genitalia. No wonder things are so screwed up over there.

    Phobophobia – the fear of phobias. That’s an infinite loop you’ll never get out of.

    And my absolute favorite:

    Anatidaephobia – the fear that you are being watched by a duck.

    duck

    If you doubt the reality of any of these, keep in mind that it only takes one person to have a phobia for it to be a real thing. With 7,000,000,000 screwed up people on this planet, anything is possible. Somewhere there’s probably some poor schmuck who’s scared to death of Snickers bars – sokolatarachicalamellophobia?

    And one parting thought, because I honestly think that it might be relevant in trying to understand and show compassion for our fellow messed up human beings:

    Some think that phobias might be caused by a dormant memory of a frightening experience from a previous life. If you’re terrified of horses even though you’ve never had a bad experience with them, maybe you were trampled in a stampede in a previous life, or something like that. Maybe.

    and all the devils are here